Anime Jacka--
by Rift1
Summary: What happens when you mix a day with nothing to do whatsoever, a bottle of Gin, a Tang Pomelo Litro Pack? This fanfic. Enjoy. :)


Anime Jackass  
(I know, I know. Another MTV Spinoff. Shut Up.)  
By Corruption Rift  
DISCLAIMER: I OWN THIS FIC, FOR GODSAKES!  
  
WARNING: The stunts you are about to see are highly dangerous and are performed by professionals or with the guidance of professionals. The Author severely suggests that you do not in any way, no matter how insured you are, try this at home.  
  
*Black Screen with white 18-point Arial Typeface Bold 'Jackass' with footnote: Anime' style*  
  
*Warning screen*  
  
*Fade to white*  
  
Corruption Rift: This week on Jackass --  
  
*Video of Chibi Ruri chasing a Chibi Ukiya around with a baseball bat, footnote: 'Calling someone their old nickname when they're already old enough to retaliate with physical force'*  
  
*Fade to black*  
  
*Jackass host intro shots*  
  
Ruriko:*smiles primly at the camera* Hello, this is Corruption Rift, and you're watching Jackass.  
Kaoru: Hi, this is Corruption Rift, and you're watching Jack - *Bancho sneaks into Kaoru's shot* Hey! Get the *beep* off my shot, you --  
Shirei:......*sweatdrops*  
Ukiya:*mouth full of food* Hrmo, it'sh Cowupshion Frift, and yo' watshing Jacka-- *chokes, sending bits of food splattering into the camera - Kaoru: Sempai!*  
Fei:*beaming* Nihao! I'm Corruption Rift, and you're watching Jack--*shots are heard in the distance, with shouts of 'GET BACK HERE, YOU UNHOLY EXCUSE FOR A PRIMATE!!* Ukkieya!! NO!!  
Reiko: Ara....? Mr Rift, can I ask what I'm supposed to say agaaaaaiinnn?  
Megumi:*blushing*Helloi'mcorruptionriftandyourwatchingjackass. Now get the hell away from me.  
Reiji! You damn dirty bugs! Hail me as your new king or I will squash you! I--*cutoff*  
Bancho: Nyahaha!! Jackass equals Bancho! I should be a Tv Star! I am manly, tough and handsome! Nyahaha! Nyahaha! Nyahaha--*cutoff*  
Ochiai:*smiling*Ohayo! I'm Corruption Rift, and you're watching Jackass!  
Kikai: HAIL VADE--*cutoff*  
Akuma: I am now hypnotizing you with my mind! Through your television! Yes! Yes! I have you now! You are in my power! I am -*cutoff*  
Corruption Rift: Hello, I'm Corruption Rift, obviously. And you're watching Jackass. Cut. I said cut. No, really, I mean it. Cut. Cut, dammit! I SAID CU - *cutoff*  
  
Jackass Case No. 1  
Volunteer: Ukiya  
Subject: Suicide  
Cameraman: Corruption Rift  
  
*Scene cuts into a long corridor. Ukiya is nervously adjusting his collar, sneaking glances at the camera*  
Corruption Rift: You're nervous, aren't you?  
Ukiya: Who wouldn't be?  
Corruption Rift: Relax. We've got people on standby here if anything goes wrong. The school clinic's just below us. Just do your job, and everything'll be fine.  
Ukiya: I'm starting to think that this was a bad idea all along.  
Corruption Rift: It was your idea, dumbass.  
Ukiya: Wait. You volunteered me. What do you think I am, some kind of a suicidal maniac?! I --  
Corruption Rift: Ssh! Shut the hell up! Here she comes!  
*Camera focuses on the corridor and zooms to two girls, Ruriko and Kaoru, heading their direction, but talking distractedly about something.*  
Corruption Rift:*salutes Ukiya* Your finest hour, soldier! Make us proud!  
Ukiya:*looks at camera* Mom...I love you..*crosses himself, and then runs to Ruriko*  
Ruriko: Huh? Oh, Ukiya-kun....what is it?  
Ukiya: Umm...I don't know how to quite put it...but...  
Ruriko: Yes?   
Ukiya: I've been...wanting to tell something to you for a very long time...and I...  
Ruriko: Please, Ukiya, tell me.  
Ukiya: Well...here goes...*begins to shout and point at Ruriko* HAHA! RURIPPE! SNIVELER!!   
Ruriko: WHAT?!?!  
Ukiya: *starts to dance around* Rurippe! Rurippe! Ruripe-pe-pe! Rurippe! Rurippe! Rurippe----  
RURIPPE! Here, want a tissue to wipe off the SNOT HANGING OFF YOUR NOSE?!  
Ruriko: WHY YOU--!!! *Grabs nearest baseball bat and begins to chase Ukiya through the corridors, inciting stares from passing students*  
Corruption Rift: *snickering* This is good shit.... *speaks into walkie-talkie* Miko-chan, this is Corruption Rift, on pursuit - Ukiya's en route to your position - when I give the signal, immediately go to Plan B. Got it?  
Miko-chan: Roger that, Rift. I see him.  
Ukiya: Um...Rift..I got her angry, so...what do I do now?  
Corruption Rift: Run.  
Ukiya: What? *ducks as baseball strike narrowly misses him* Oh, shit...  
Corruption Rift: Absolutely fantastic....*runs after the two as they play baseball bat tag...and Ukiya's it* Miko-kun, now.  
Miko-chan: Roger....*dumps rocks all over the corridor floor*...that.  
Ukiya: Rurippe! Rurippe! Ruri-- *trips over one of the many rocks, hitting the floor with a large, painful thud*--ow.  
Ruriko: Gotcha now, sucka! Kiii----yaaaaahhhh!!*sounds of wood impacting bare flesh over and over again*Don't...(smack)...you...(smack)...dare....(smack)...call...(smack)...me...(smack)...that...(smack)...again!!!  
Corruption Rift: *cringes at the sight* Oh, my God...I didn't know Ruriko had such a bad side...   
Ruriko: *Turns to the camera* YOU!   
Corruption Rift: Uh oh. *to walkie-talkie* Mayday, mayday, SOS, SOS...*sees Ruriko running at him flailing bat* Emergency! EMERGENCY! Somebody help me!! For the love of God, EMERGENC-  
*Camera's hit, lens cracks, camera drops to floor and blinks out*  
  
Jackass Case no.1  
Subject: Suicide Part Two  
Volunteer: Ukiya  
Cameraman: Corruption Rift  
  
*Camera pans to Reiji walking with Isogai near library. Everything is calm until...*  
Ukiya:*jumps out in front of them, in big bug mascot suit* WAAAAHHH!!  
Reiji and Isogai: NYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!  
Ukiya: *in teeny tiny voice* I'm a bug, yeah, that's right, a big bug - and I'm tired of being squashed! And I heard about you....*prods Reiji's chest*...talkin' about squashin me and my bro's! What's up with that?!  
Reiji: *stunned*  
Isogai: *recognizes Ukiya* Ukiya-san! Really! To play a joke on Kageyama-san....Kageyama? Kageyama-san?  
Reiji:*eyes bloodshot, glaring at Ukiya*  
Ukiya: Who's your daddy? Come on, I said who's your daddy? You know who your daddy is? It's ME! I'm your daddy!! How come I'm your daddy? Cause I do this to your momma! Your momma! *starts to do Ace Ventura Hip thrusts, complete with grunt* Your momma! Your momma!  
Corruption Rift: Just like I told him.   
Isogai: Um..Kageyama-san...  
Kageyama:*yelling*BUGS!!! I SHALL STOMP ON YOU!! CRUSH YOU!! LIKE THE SPECK OF A BUG THAT YOU ARE, YOU - YOU - YOU BUG!!  
Ukiya: *still doing hip thrusts* Your momma! Your momma! Your-  
Kageyama: GATE OPEN!!! SHADOW EDGE!!  
Ukiya: Oh, shi-  
*interference as thousands of shadow edges burst from the gate of Shadow and explode upon impact*  
  
Jackass Case no. 1  
Subject: Suicide Part Three  
Volunteer: Ukiya  
Cameraman: Corruption Rift  
  
*Camera pans to Kikai, walking with a broken leg after his recent fight with Kenshin.*  
Corruption Rift: Okay, this is the last take. Make this good.  
Ukiya:*with bandages all over* You're one to speak - it's not your ass on the line here!  
Corruption Rift: Just go!  
*Ukiya goes up to Kikai, who looks at him strangely*  
Ukiya: Look! I'm Kikai, and I've merged with a choo-choo train! Whoo-hooo! Chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga! Wooo-hooo!! *stomps while making steam and trains sound* Woo-hoo!!!  
Kikai: .....  
Ukiya: Look! I'm Kikai, and I've merged with a tugboat! Hoooonk, hoooonk! *imitates ship horn and wobbles* hoooonk, hooooonk! Look, I have a little harpoon gun! Hoooonk! Hooooonk!  
Kikai: .....  
Ukiya: Look! I'm Kikai, and I've merged with a high-powered drill that can make a hole into the earth and cause total core meltdown! Oh, no! I didn't merge with a high-powered drill, I merged with a vibrator! Look at me! *stands totally ramrod straight, hands tight to sides and shaking like crazy* H-h-a-a-a-i-i-i-l-l-l-V--v-v-a-a-a-d-d-e-e-r-r!!!  
Kikai: That's it! I'm going to get you, you young whippersnapper! I'm going to wring the life out of your thin neck! I'm going to --  
Ukiya: *Throws a Tamagotchi at Kikai, which he unconciously merges with*  
Corruption Rift: Whoa.  
Tamagotchi Kikai: #()*&^@#$(*^%&@#$(^%*^(#$@$%)^&!!!!!!  
Ukiya: *Picks tamagotchi up* Oh, look, my pet Kikai's sad....I'm so sorry...here, I've got just the thing to cheer you up. *Drops tamagotchi on the floor and stomps on it, breaking it into pieces.  
Corruption Rift: And that's a wrap, people. Um, Ukiya, why'd you-  
Ukiya: He had shit all over the screen. Besides, tamagotchi's a trend best long forgotten. Come on, let's get some beer.  
Corruption Rift: YOWZA!  
  
*Fade To Black*  
  
*Scene Cut to Author with Bikini-clad female gatekeepers on each arm*  
Corruption Rift: On the Next Jackass...  
  
*Scene Cut to Bancho kneeling in front of Kaoru*  
  
Bancho: Please, please, please, Kaoru-hime! I'm already doing you a favor by giving you the honor of being my prom date -*slap*  
  
*Fade to black, white text: 'PROM DAY PERILS'  
  
Corruption Rift: On the next Jackass! Bye Everyone!  
  
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Author's note: :P....any comments are welcome. Thanks nga pala para kay Ender, Miko-chan, my Kopi-gurl, and Hirumi-chan. Wala lang...tenk yu lang. :) 


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